I want to be President of Azerbaijan

I've been thinking that I should be the President of the Republic of Azerbaijan, because it has a lot of oil and an ideal climate, and the rewards can be huge.

The first thing I will do is undergo  plastic surgery to look younger, like Berlusconi.

 

This man is 114 years old but still  manages to convince a significant portion of the Italian public to support him even though he is corrupt and degenerate. Therefore,  plastic surgery is going to be my first step.

The second step will be to look for a right hand, a feminine sideckick like  María Dolores de Cospedal, the Spanish Vicepresident. The only difference is that my sidekick  must be flexible (politically, not  bodily speaking).

Flexibility will be essential because we will call ourselves the  Azerbaijani People's Party, which in the local language would  be Azərbaycan Xalq Partiyası (AXP). I think it sounds real good. But we will not have any political beliefs other than populism for now.

The AXP will develop a populist strategy because populism helps win elections. But we can’t be orthodox or have any beliefs, flexibility is the key. This is going to be important because it allows us to  maneuver as we see what happens.

It will also be important to have a banner and motto. I think “Viva Fernando!” would be a wonderful slogan. I don’t want to mess up my  karma with a slogan like “Fatherland, Socialism or Death”. I do not want to die early, I do not know if I will be a socialist, and I'm not even Azerbaijani.

It can be a problem If one wants to be president and isn’t a citizen of the country. It's like being in jail,  because if one wants to be president one  has to have a clean record.

But I have a solution: I will talk  to President Aliyev and tell him that I invented the Azerbaijan International Oil Company (AIOC or Beynəlxalq Azərbaycan Şirkəti Neft, which produces most of the country's oil). This is a lie, I was in Azerbaijan to help sell the concept to his father,  who was the president at the time,  but the idea wasn’t mine.  However, he was young at the time and won’t  tell  the difference, because to  Azerbaijanis  all foreigners look the same.

President Aliyev will be very impressed by my great ideas,  after all the AIOC is their golden goose, which allows him to buy many things. I bet that makes me a citizen. This will give me the freedom to work with my Maria Dolores and eventually overthrow him using his own electoral system.

As for the banner, I think it must have the country’s name and be related to football because it is a very popular sport, and the Azerbaijan team is in third place in the Spanish league. Thus a banner that reads simply Azerbaijan, like  we see on Falcao’s  chest  is enough.

 

After these important steps, we have to increase the popularity of the party.We will travel all over  Azerbaijan to let them meet me,   to see what the  people need, and to offer them things they like.

We will offer subsidized housing, hospitals, schools,  a war against crime and corruption, and a social security system that allows Azerbaijanis to retire at 52.  

 But the best part is what comes next. It waters my mouth. Once I become president I can use oil revenues to  make political changes in neighboring countries. Imagine the possibilities.

First I'll replace  the President of Armenia with one that is friendly and will convert to Islam. Then I will topple the ayatollahs of Iran using people to write shit about them on Twitter. And last  I will go for the jackpot: I will overthrow Putin.

Okay, you are laughing because I wrote that I will overthrow Putin, and now everyone is waiting to see a Russian agent  murder me. But this is serious. I believe that Putin can be toppled using the internet. To do so  I only  have to buy Comrade Gennady Andreyevich Zyuganov a suit and and improve his propaganda

Comrade  Gennady Andreyevich is the Chairman of the Communist Party of the Russian Federation. He has a very good program to bring Russia back to Communism, but  he dresses badly.

 

With a new suit, and a Baku-based twitterers who flood the internet criticizing Putin for allowing the oligarchs  to continue to steal,  I can change the landscape in Moscow so that the next time the Russians have elections they are  going to vote for the Communist Party en masse.

And please do not panic, because in the 21^st  century communist parties do not believe in communism, or anything like that. Apart from the use of the red flag, they have nothing to do with people who believe in that crap. Those who do believe it are mostly Western Europeans who study or are teachers of Social Parasitism in college.

Today  real communists are very normal,  just like me. We are more interested in becoming managers of mixed state enterprises, and not  in screwing  people’s  lives to implement Marxist  crap. The only thing we have in common with the  old Soviet style communists  is the  secret police. As for me, I just want to serve the people.

I'm not dying of hunger

I want to thank whoever is up there because he sent me so much food in my life.

 

I’m not sure it was intentional, or even that it was meant as  a gift, because I had to lose about one metric ton after eating so much,  and I found it quite difficult.  But when I think  about it, it’s better to have to work to lose weight than go hungry.

When you start to write about the things you see, the first thing that comes to mind is politics.  At least in my world politics  is the daily bread.  Not that I'm a politician. I'm pretty honest and I'm useless in that profession.  But I  like criticizing them  all the time. Lately this has become an obsession, probably because I have time on my hands.

When you're young and innocent  you think you can change the world and become president.  I never had that illusion for I have lived too  long in places where the government  was run by  a supreme dictator, leader, savior of the country,  army commander, and worst of all government spokesman explaining what was best for the  country and what everybody had to do becauseifnotwestompyou.

 

And when I lived in a democracy,  I couldn’t  be president because I wasn’t a native, which is always a requirement. It didn't   matter, the natives  wouldn’t have voted for me anyway.

This immigrant  life and being everywhere has its good points, of which the best is to know that you  live better than before every time you move (if one moves from one country  to another,  and things don’t get better then consider the move a failure and go  back where you came from).

And now I have to talk about religion, and I want to announce that I recently had a conversation with God. You see, I have a generic god because I don’t  want to insult anyone  or cause a reader to stop reading this thinking I am his eternal enemy. So my religion is a private matter that eventually I can only confess to you after I  find out you want to participate in religious rites with me.

I am what they call a religious person who thinks that God is too busy to hear prayers asking for money or a little help to escape from hell. Prayers  asking for things  are like bullets in  a war when one is left with only a  few. It is better to save  them and not use them much, just  in case you need them later. I hope this doesn’t sound very heretical, but it's how I feel, and I don't  think  God cares much if I'm a bit frugal with prayer.  Moreover, when I think about it,  God probably gets annoyed  if one prays all the time asking for things.  The good part is that god has to hear all the requests, and not me.

Returning to the original topic, now I have to do something to lose weight. The diet works somewhat  if I follow it, but I have a weakness,  I like eating too much  fruit and raid the kitchen at night, which makes me have to do more exercise than  necessary if I could control myself. The only excuse I have is that dieting in Alicante requires a special effort, because the food is very good  and almost everything I like is fresh.

If I lived in London, it would be different because British food was not created for normal people. The poor English would have benefited greatly if they had remained a  Roman colony and shared their kitchen with the French, because the French do  know how to cook.

And don’t  think that that the English are French are the same people, just  because the English  were invaded and defeated at the Battle of Hastings. 

Those French invaders weren't  really French, they were Vikings who had invaded France to  loot and pillage and stayed. They didn’t  learn to cook either, even if they learned to speak French and  put on perfume.

So this is  the story  I know.