We should change football rules

We should change football⁽¹⁾ rules. I am convinced  these rules aren't  fair and we must change them.  This  idea came to me after seeing the Qatar team defeat the Milanese of Fly Emirates 4-0.

As good communists, and in the name of justice, we can’t allow this unfairness to continue. There’s too much  opportunism  in the sport.  The game must change so that all teams have roughly the same chance of being  European champions  (after we fix the  Europeans  we can fix the rest of  the world,  just be patient).

The aim would be to avoid seeing players like  Kevin-Prince Boateng scratching their  heads this way after such a pasting:

I know Boateng, like the other player who scored a goal in the first leg in Milan (Sulley Muntari) is from a  Ghanaian family. These guys play for the Fly Emirates team in Milan because they pay very well,  and will not suffer the same pain as an Italian who really has Fly Emirates in his blood.  But all these players are members of the proletariate, and we must also consider the mental health of people living in those  loser cities (my condolences to Manchester).

 We can  make things better. I worked this out  with other members of the communist party secretariate, and we concluded   the key is to reduce the advantage more talented players have.  So we propose to  start with a change of rules, to help slower players who have worse aim to get as many goals (or at least almost as many) as very talented  players like  Leo Messi.

It occured to us  this can be done simply by widening  the goal to reach almost the entire width of the football field. As you know, today  the arc is a toddler, and it's  really hard to score a goal from a distance.

 

A wider arch many would allow ordinary players score lots of goals. So we propose to widen it , to make it  look like this:

 

This way goalkeepers won’t  stop anything!

Then,  to be sure even more equality reigns in the sport, we can remove the silly rule that says a player is offsides  (that is,  out of position) when he’s  standing on a spot the referee doesn’t like.

I know, I know.  Now you “experts” will say  this rule has its complexities, but that's not true. A referee can’t  run as fast as today’s  players. This means he can’t see if the player is out of position or not. And I tell you that because besides being a writer and Communist Party activist, I was also a football referee. And I could never run as fast as the players did, nor  could  I see exactly what was going on. So I raised the flag when I felt like it.  And this is  exactly what  referees do. Everybody knows  it.

I think these two changes will suffice. We can start this year, during the European club championships,  to  see if the results are favorable and spread out the scoring . For example, if we see the Unesco team win the whole enchilada, then we’ll know we are on the right track.

European football Glossary:

Fly Emirates - AC Milan

Qatar - Barcelona

Bwin - Real Madrid

Unesco - Málaga

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Footnote 1.  In the USA they think football is American football, and they think football is soccer. This confusion arises from their refusal to adopt the international metric system.